Lyric breakdown: Cursed night by Calliope Mori

 

The days are blending together

Pretending like I don't notice

Drowning in mental fog so thick

my hands might close where my throat is

Not gonna rap that "I'm cursed"

My words got heavy

And sure enough the steady ebb-and-flow of life subsided,

but I wasn't ready

Last night, I thought up a song

But I'm too wired to hum it

Inspired sight, like tunnel-vision on the life I got from it 

Not tired yet, right?

Hah.

"It's fun," I'll tell ya that much

Adventures oughta be remembered as such

But, I'm not well.

The lyrics are sung by Calli who seems to have achieved a level of success at this point of time as a rapper, singing that she has "thought up a song" for her fans. Like she said, her once "steady ebb-and-flow of life (has) subsided"; 'Ebb and flow' describing predictability in her past days is mostly gone now due to her being in the limelight. Note how interesting this phrase is of using the word 'subsided' is -- Her days of stability and predictability has 'weakened'. You get a feeling like she feels more attached to her past instead of her new rapper persona, even if she sees her life now as "adventures". 

Reinforcing this idea then is that she "wasn't ready" for this new pattern in her life. She feels suffocated by this "mental fog". And though she has written a new song, she compared this "inspired sight" as a "tunnel vision on the life I got from it"; The life she has gotten from song writing and rapping is not seen with artistry or creativity but instead 'tunnel-visioned', restrictive. Someone then asks her "not tired yet, right?", possibly her fans egging her to continue on this path of hers, but despite all the "fun" or vividness in her new life she ultimately still feels strained.

Not today, not tomorrow

These souls inside my pocket are just sanity I borrow

"Sayonara" to the sorrow of eternity alone?
Ya, right

Part of the joke is that it's all that I've known

Now that she has gain fans, she asks herself rhetorically whether she has finally said goodbye to the past days of "eternity alone". She scoffs at that idea, thinking of it as a "joke" for even asking that. After all, she still feels strongly for her old life, it being "all that (she has) known".

It's justified - Can't help that I romanticize your concern

Now I can fantasize forever if you never say the words "goodbye"

This tainted mind-set really must go free

Finding someone so fuckin' wonderful when I'm just so...

"me"...

The previous verses only spoke about her inclination for the past and her conflicting emotions with the present but I think only these subsequent verses begins to allow us to see why that may be so.

As all her fans are always "concern" about her well-being, she often "romanticizes" it as being "justified", her being deserving of it. She can even "fantasize" that it lasts forever so long as her fans don't leave her. However, this way of thinking is a problem, it being a "tainted mind-set". To her she sees all her fans as a blessing to herself, all "wonderful" people, but all this love and concern that she is showered by, she feels like she doesn't deserve any of it. After all, there is real person being the Vtuber 'Calliope Mori',  someone who sees all her flaws more so than anybody else. And as we know, Calli has always had a bit of an imposter syndrome. 

Maybe that is why she feels so attached to her past life. It was a life without the 'adventures', predictable like 'ebb-and-flow' and where she is alone. But in that life, she doesn't need to feel overwhelmed by praise, concern and support or have to feel the pressures of needing to live up to them.

Searching by city light

You'll never find me

Running through a cursed night

"Do you have a death wish?"

Shut the lid tight. it's complicated.

Could you not look inside, it's complicated. 

Somehow, i'm just a page in, but I've cried and I've grown

to shut away the conversations of my "highs-and-lows"

Jibun no me de mietaino?

Kono zetsubou no utsukushi sa

These are all pretty complex emotions that probably is difficult to express to her fans. That is why she often feels like she needs to hide this side of herself; You can "search" for her but you won't "find her". And you learning of her emotions may even dimish your image of her, "death wish" being the death of your feelings for her. And ultimately she requests you all to "shut the lid tight" and "don't look inside". 

And despite her being unable to be honest about herself, she ultimately sees it as a sign of strength, having "grown" beyond venting out all her emotions, all her "highs-and-lows". To her, "kono zetsubou no utsukushi sa". Fans may never come to know this side of her, but to her it's a despair that is ultimately beautiful.

Laid back in the cracks of my past, it's kinda funny

Got sick of the tricking myself into thinking that others would

only run from me because, as you know, I'm death-

You heard about me?

I'm kinda famous, now it's awkward...

But welcome to my constant state of mind

Like, could you knock first?

Hanasenai kotoba

Minna no shinpai goto wa

Mimi ni tsunagaranai

Why's it everytime that your kindness is making my chest unbearably tight?

But, not for the first time

A terrible night for a curse,

but don't you worry, cuz it hurts fine

I think this verse echoes out the same sentiment as before with her feeling of imposter syndrome. She has always believed that nobody would be by her, and will "run from (her)" but now she is famous now and everyone has heard about her. It's almost "awkward" in a sense as now people constantly show her concern and knows so much about her. All of it just reinforces this feeling of being undeserving. She describes it even as a "curse", and feels the need to reassure us and tell us "don't you worry", after all she doesn't desire for us to put her on such a pedestal. It may hurt but she will be just "fine".

Drunk, lost, CalliP

Wandering Rengoku-shi

Enlighten me - Is this what they call a "sunk cost fallacy"

Once again she sings about her previous life as "rengoku-shi", meaning hell's reaper. She may used to be aimless and lost but why does a part of her wish to go back to that life? Maybe she has just invested so many years into it and has grown such attachment that she finds it hard to completely let go; A "sunk cost fallacy".

Frightening, in spite of things I want tossed my way

I'm looking everywhere at once and months are passing like days.

"By myself" is just better

I know I say that a lot

But if somebody holds you back, then you cannot become god.

She wants this new life of hers but it is still "frightening". She is constantly being flooded, having to look "everywhere at once" and time just passes so fast. And she knows that she always says that being alone is better, but she just sometimes feel that having so many people around holds her back from becoming her best as well, "god" as she refers to it.

Lost in the night, nasakenai

Hostile, hostage or free

These childish eyes will only show my mind

what I wanna see

This verse is great as she acknowledges all these ironic feelings she is experiencing all at once. In this new life, she has felt it to all be "hostile, hostage or free" all together. It is like a rollar coaster of emotions. She is still "childish" in the end to feel like that but in the end she just can't help but to think of herself as undeserving, afraid or trapped in the present. 

We go back to the chorus which restates all these conflicting emotions she feels, whether it is her feeling inclined to go back to her past life or feeling trapped in her new persona. She feels that all these feelings will be difficult for her fans to accept so wants to hide it all. These are all cursed nights of hers. It's painful to bottle it up and fans may never truly understand her but maybe she can be more beautiful that way. 

Though in the end, she may have relented just slightly, saying that if you really still want to understand and accept her for all these flaws that she has, then "this time, look for yourself".